PG 16: "A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY CHRISTMAS"

"HI MOM?"
"Hello dear."
 "Mom just letting you know. We are about half way there and should be home about 7pm...plenty of time for the presents etc."

"Oh dear. Honey, I guess I forgot to tell you. Your father and I won't be there. We flew to Florida yesterday."
"WHAT? WHY? IT IS CHRISTMAS Mom. We ALWAYS get the family together on CHRISTMAS."

"Well honey, we just decided that after all these years we deserved our own life now. Besides, we never really liked any of you anyway."

"What? You never what? Mom, it's me. Brian. One of your seven children."
"I know dear, but seriously. You are a bit much Brian, Not only an annoying prude but you have horrible choices in women."
"WHAT?"

"Yeh, that whore you married is a bit much."
"MOTHER. But what about the rest of us?"
"HELL, you are ALL a bunch of shitasses.
Yeah what about you assbutts...
Fred is a total asshole, Myron is a butthead with no brains but that is ok cause he thinks with his penis anyway, Janey is a slut, Amelia, or should I say PORKTUNIA, God. Richard truly IS a DICK, and of course there is little Peter, and boy does he ever like THOSE, the little daisywheel. He is to men with a large tool what AMERICA is to Trump.

GET A LIFE Brian, preferably one without that slut you are boinking."

"GOOD GOD MOTHER, WHAT has gotten into you?"

"Nothing, except your father seven times for which I am eternally UNgrateful."

"WHY did you have us then for God's sake?"

"GROW UP BRIAN, I got knocked up so I could get money from the government. Simple as that. Welfare, Brian. Do you seriously think we would have gotten that big house, gone to Europe twice and driven a new Cadillac every year all those years on what your father made? HAH!"

"For pete's sake, Mom."
"Good Lord, Brian. Nobody has used that expression for 20 years at least. And stop calling me Mom. It is a painful reminder of all the lost best years of my life, wearing tents for dresses and having to deal with 7 slobbering drooling whiny little bastards for all those years."

"GOOD LORD, MOTHER. GOODBYE."
"Good bye you nerdy little pinhead, GOOD RIDDANCE and take your snot-nosed siblings with you. I have a Mai Tai to finish."

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AHHH....The holidays. Not just for chestnuts roasting on an open fire anymore.
Somebody's nuts perhaps, but...